Every day in prisons across the country, inmates are scheming to devise innovative, or disgusting, new ways to smuggle in drugs, phones, and other contraband. Every day, surely some of those attempts get busted, but maybe none quite as ridiculous as what happened this past Sunday in Jackson, Michigan.
When it comes to ridiculous prison smuggling attempts, there is some pretty stiff competition.
There were the Jersey inmates whose family members were melting down drugs into paste and scribbling it on coloring book pages to be smoked once inside. They and their family members were busted.
In Florida, a dude stuffed not one, not ten, or even twenty…but 30 items in a condom and right up his pooper – including a CVS receipt…perhaps for the condom?
Or, of course, the tale of the 56-year old man who drove from California to Colorado and walked right into a federal penitentiary with a massive glob of black tar heroin jammed up his rear end.
He was there to visit his son, who was doing a seven year bid for bank robbery. His plan, he admits, was to transfer the golf-ball-sized hunk of heroin from his keyster and into his mouth. Yup, just wait, it gets even better.
Then he planned to deeply kiss his son on the mouth, exchanging the drugs, and 56 years’ worth of who-knows-what. In what may have been a blessing in disguise, he got popped before he french kissed his boy.
But this past Sunday, a 22-year old man by the name of Christen Moore decided to try to avoid all the pesky security at G. Robert Cotton Correctional Facility in Jackson, Michigan.
Instead, he surveyed the scene before him, dropped back five full strides, planted his back foot and released a wobbly pass that cleared the first high fence at the state prison, but fell well short of the second fence, and the yard full of prisoners he was aiming for.
An officer monitoring the prison’s perimeter witnessed the lame attempt, and when he stopped laughing, he radioed security teams to apprehend Moore, and secure the football.
Once they had the pigskin, they tore it open to find 3 cell phones and chargers, weed, tobacco, and heroin.
Moore was jailed yesterday on contraband charges with a $50,000 bond. He is expected to begin his hearing on June 30th.
There is still a chance that the Houston Texans may bail him out and put him in minicamp.