Today is my 15th anniversary with Miss Mary Jane, a long and torrid love affair that will not end with a baby named “North”. I’ve tried a lot of other drugs (most of them, in fact), including trying to smoke the insides of a banana peel because The Anarchist Cookbook apparently wanted to ruin a day of my life. These, in no particular order, are the things I’ve learned about herb.
9. The best way to roll a joint sounds batshit crazy, but crumple up the paper first. When you unravel it, the texture you’ve created makes the paper a million times more malleable. People still smoke joints, right?
8. Don’t bother holding in the smoke, you’re just depriving yourself of oxygen. While that’s fun too, you can do it whenever you damn well please. According to Steve Liebke’s 2001 “A Cannabis User’s Harm Reduction Handbook”, you’re getting 95% of the cannabinoids in the first few seconds. If you need to get 5% higher, find an office chair and spin around for a little bit. There’s nothing like the adrenaline rush of puking.
7. If there’s a worm in your bag, for the love of God DO NOT SMOKE IT. In high school, we found a tiny green guy crawling around a bag of schwag we got from a guy who called himself Danky. It’s green, so it’s gotta be filled with THC, right? Turns out it’s not a bottle of fucking tequila, it’s a living thing that we immolated and inhaled. Pretty sure we’re going to stoner hell for that one.
6. Make gravity bongs out of more things. This should be a contest. All you really need is a slide and a little imagination, maybe a trip to home depot, and a lot of disposable herb to burn. I sincerely regret not destroying more tube shaped objects. Get after it, Toke readers.
5. If you split a bag with someone, there’s only one equitable way to divvy up the contents. Whoever is the bigger Nancy about getting it exactly even has to divide them up, then the other person picks the one they want. You can only fuck yourself on this one, and it adds a carnival like element to getting high. That’s never a bad thing.
4. You break it, you buy it. Be careful when the glass isn’t yours, and make it a habit to avoid smoking out of things when someone has a deep emotional attachment to it. I’m cool with you naming your piece, but if you’re going to have a man-cry when it breaks, a tiny glass funeral, or pretty much anything other than, “Fuck it, we had a good run!”, I’ll pass.
3. The best eyedrops are the Rohto brand that make your eyes feel like they smoked a Newport. Most people mistake the sensation for burning, but it’s just so damn cool your eyes can’t process that shit. These are also the worst eyedrops if you’re tripping.
2. If you need a reason to quit smoking cigarettes, know they mix terribly with pot. You’re three times more likely to get the lung disease COPD if you smoke cigs and pot. See, marijuana calms down your lungs so they can’t fight off the bullshit in tobacco. Sorry for all the science jargon there.
1. Share your pot more. There’s always another bag out there.