Among the many natural benefits associated with medicating with marijuana is the sheer lack of detrimental side effects like you see at the end of every prescription drug commercial. But in a half-baked attempt to combat a recent string of favorable headlines for cannabis research, those opposed to the plant are issuing a stern new warning to anyone who smokes (or is even thinking of smoking) pot.
Abdominal cramping, power-puking, and the need for a hot shower – this, they say, is what you are in for if you choose to smoke weed. The prohibitionists are right about one thing; you might need a hot shower after trying to wrap your head around their latest attempt at reasoning.
In extensive study results recently released by researchers at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, it was determined that regular marijuana smokers showed better control over their blood/sugar levels, displayed lower insulin levels, and overall, had thinner waistlines than non-tokers. With the tide already turning towards acceptance of weed in the U.S., this particular story soon went viral, making the front page of Yahoo! News and being read by local newscasters on televisions across the country. Clearly, something had to be done, and so the anti-marijuana messaging machine sputtered into action.
With balls of steel that would make Superman blush, Dr. Cassius Drake, the medical director at the Henry Ford Health Center-Brownstone in Michigan is pointing to the previously neglected Endocannabinoid System as marijuana’s latest victim. He is claiming that THC, the active ingredient in weed, is detrimentally smothering the body’s cannabinoid receptors in regular marijuana users, leading to a condition that he and his colleagues like to compare to “morning sickness” in a pregnant woman, which he says is the true reason why potheads have slimmer waists – you follow all of that?
He refers to this dangerous new affliction as ‘Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome‘, or CH, and if the name alone doesn’t scare you straight, Dr. Drake is not alone in his fears.
Susan Smolinske, the managing director at the Children’s Hospital of Michigan Regional Poison Control Center, doubles down on Dr. Drake’s dribble, stating, “Marijuana typically causes the munchies, right? This is the anti-munchies.”
Well who the hell can argue with logic like that?
Any researchers willing to put their name behind this latest theory are quick to admit there are zero reported cases of Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome before 2004, and that cases are rare, and effect only long-term daily users…under the age of 50.
Dr. Drake even states that he just recently diagnosed his first case of CH, but opines that the numbers are expected to rise as more Michigan residents take advantage of the state’s five year old medical marijuana laws. Dr. Drake apparently chooses to ignore well-documented studies that have debunked claims like his.
Cannabis advocates in Michigan, and across the country, are perplexed by this latest fact-free talking point, racking their brains and asking their family and friends for any examples of such an affliction being caused by smoking pot. After all, the so-called definitive case series study on CH only included a meager 98 patients.
As polling numbers in America continue to shift dramatically in favor of not just medical marijuana, but full recreational legalization of the plant, born-again-prohibitionists are lashing out the only way they have ever known – with disproportionate volume and unintentionally comedic attempts at participating in a science-based discussion.
So, if you feel you have come down with a raging case of Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome, and your shower water just won’t get hot enough, what can you do? According to folks like Dr. Drake, just quit smoking pot. It’s as simple as that.
Are you still packing that bowl?
Well Dr. Drake has one more cautionary tale for you when it comes to CH. While he admits that the condition is not deadly, Drake warns that since most doctors don’t recognize Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome (read: since it’s based on bullshit), the potential unnecessary ordering of CT Scans, X-Rays, tests and screenings could cost you “tens of thousands of dollars”.
Not exactly a ringing endorsement for western medicine.
The propaganda-style fear campaign against cannabis is still, after all these years, in full effect.
Meanwhile, cancer and AIDS patients, those suffering from Crohn’s Disease or diabetes, they will continue to find very real and documented relief by using cannabis.
Each testimonial in favor of marijuana use paints the clown car of opposition further and further into the corner, and their final throes are only getting more ludicrous and wild as the walls of reform close in.