Is Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell Keyser Söze?


The motivation behind the prohibition philosophies of U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell could have something to do with his political campaigns being funded with the help of the black market cocaine trade. Now, while the theory is purely speculation, a recent drug bust on a cargo ship in a Caribbean port reveals that the Kentucky lawmaker may be more rooted in Scarfacian principles than those of any good old’ boy from the Bluegrass State.

The Colombia Coast Guard recently discovered ninety pounds of cocaine hidden aboard the Ping May, a cargo vessel owned by the Foremost Maritime Corporation, a company run by Senator McConnell’s in-laws, Mr. and Mrs. Chao. Now, while the senator’s family ties to the cargo ship do not necessarily implicate him, or the family, in a wild-eyed drug trafficking operation for some cutthroat cartel, there is enough curious suspicion to suspect that a large portion of McConnell’s campaign contributions since the 1980s came from money earned by smuggling cocaine in international waters.
The Chao Family has been such a lucrative piggy bank for Senator McConnell’s political career that in 1993, he decided to marry their daughter, Elaina Chao, which spawned enormous boosts in campaign finance. In 2008, McConnell became one of the wealthiest senators in the nation with a campaign contribution from his in-laws ranging somewhere between $5 and $25 million.
But, we are not prudes and could honestly could care less if this Republican Roger Ebert look-a-like uses dirty money to buoy his campaigns. It happens all of the time; after all, this is America. Unfortunately, the problem we have with Senator McConnell is that while he may be using cocaine cash to live the life of a career politician, he continues to protect his investment by being one of the staunchest prohibitionists in the nation. In fact, nearly twenty years ago, he sponsored a bill called “The Enhanced Marijuana Penalties Act,” which punishes people who sell marijuana the same as those caught slinging cocaine and heroin.
So, while the senator believes drug dealers should spend mandatory time in jail, his extended family is potentially connected with an international conspiracy to traffic cocaine. The possibility exists that McConnell was not aware that the Ping May was on its way to the Netherlands with a shipment cuckoo-coca, but if he did, chances are there is enough prosecution-proof padding between him and authorities to maintain his innocence. An official with the Colombian Coast Guard told The Nation that the crew was questioned but so far, no charges have been filed. And not surprisingly, an attempt to reach Foremost Maritime for a statement resulted in a representative saying the company is “obviously going to have no comment on this one.”
In the meantime, McConnell is calling for the allocation of additional federal funds for drug enforcement, which sounds about right. If this Kentucky politician is actually dick deep in an international cocaine ring, continued prohibition is the only measure that ensures profitability.
Perhaps Mitch McConnell’s next campaign slogan should be: Vote for me or I will kill your kids, your wives, your parents and your parent’s friends. I will burn down the houses you live in, the stores you work in…and like that, I will be gone.
I am Mitch McConnell.
I am Keyser Soze.
Mike Adams writes for stoners and smut enthusiasts in High Times, Playboy’s The Smoking Jacket and Hustler Magazine. You can follow him on Twitter @adamssoup and on Facebook/mikeadams73.