With plenty of public parks to play in, classic amusement parks to visit, a decent baseball team to watch and great views of the Rocky Mountains, there’s no shortage of summer activities to satisfy your Americana cravings. And the perfect treat to enjoy alongside almost all of those activities is ice cream. Unfortunately for anyone looking for wholesome refreshments after 10 p.m., options are somewhat limited.

So instead of going to the grocery store for a hard-frozen pint on a hot Saturday night, my girlfriend and I opted to spend our money on a big bag of weed, hoping that would make us forget about the two inches of frost layering the vintage popsicles in my freezer. Lucky for us, we came across a strain called Sunset Sherbet, so we didn’t need to eat any Obama-era ice pops.

Colorado has the best summer weather that a semi-active stoner could ask for: not too hot and usually not too humid. But the Mile High City has been sweatier than a New York City subway station lately, and it’s barely mid-June. To ensure that the heat wouldn’t make me snap before July 4, I needed a heavy indica to ice me down. And I found the ultimate cool customer: Alley Cat Kush.

Good for all sorts of shady fun and nefarious activities, alleys are an underrated pathway of American culture. Alley Cat Kush is just as underappreciated, with a scrappy OG lineage that’s as sweet as they come, despite the public-school name. Not to be confused with the infamous Cat Piss — a variety of Super Silver Haze that actually smells like urine — Alley Cat Kush is an unknown cross of OG Kush, which is evident the second its zesty, earthy funk hits your nostrils.

Too much of a good thing can quickly become a bad thing. Nitro coffee and milk, for example: It’s a delicious concoction that will leave me strung out like Sheila from Friday after more than a few drinks. Certain sativas often act like nitro coffee in a weed jar, which is why Sour Tangie — a combination of sativa powerhouses Sour Diesel and Tangie — was one of the more intimidating strains I’ve encountered of late.

Kobe Bryant chucked a lot of junk at the hoop and had poor stats in clutch moments, but his delusional fans still try to inject his name into conversations about LeBron and MJ. (Feel free to email me your hot takes that argue otherwise.) Needless to say, I’m not a fan. So when I saw a strain named Black Mamba — the nickname of the all-time clunker — I abstained. But then a plump, purple cut on display at Verde Natural persuaded me to give it a try.

Like most egotistical turds without any friends to give him one, Kobe had to adopt his own nickname, one that he thought signified how his superior competitive ability would finish his opponents with the venom-like ferocity of an African snake. The Black Mamba strain, however, is anything but forced, with at least three different variants all deserving of the moniker. 

Despite being inspired by real-world events, witches were always the lamest Halloween characters. Warts on their noses, shrieking voices and no taste in color — no, thanks. But then I saw Hocus Pocus on the Disney Channel, and that Bette Middler was sure a delight. I had high hopes that Witches Weed would be just as delightful.

A hybrid of Chemdawg D, Cinderella 99, OG Kush and San Fernando Valley OG, Witches Weed certainly sounds like it was brewed up in a cauldron, and its funky high is almost supernatural.

A strain with a dessert-like name is nothing new, but some carry more of a nostalgic pull than others. Cookies hybrids with names like Wedding Cake and Thin Mints will always tug at my inner child, and the same thing happened when I saw Cheese Quake on the shelf during a recent dispensary visit.

I’m used to seeing the term “cheesequake” on Dairy Queen Blizzard menus, not at pot shops, so I can’t help but lick my lips as visions of creamy ice cream and cheesecake bites pop up every time I hear or read the word. Although the Cheese Quake strain isn’t sweet and sugary like DQ’s version, it still carries a rich savoriness reminiscent of cream cheese, and its relaxing effects will cool you down after a hot day.

Far be it from a stoner to notice an industry trend, but I couldn’t help but observe that Critical Mass has been taking up an increasing amount of space in local dispensaries. Looking around various pot shop menus online confirmed the strain’s clout in the industry. But is Critical Mass also deserving of critical acclaim?

A friend tried comparing Purple Kush to Blue Moon recently, saying he appreciated both for providing a gateway to craft consumption but had since moved on to more complex options. Say whatever you want about Blue Moon, I told the pretentious douche, but don’t you dare besmirch the Purp God.

Let me explain. Most tokers who started smoking chronic before dispensaries showed up have fond memories of Purple Kush…but who knows if that’s what it really was?