Stoner Shopping Spree: You Know You Gotta Have This Stuff


You really do need this “Por Marijuana Leaf US USA Flag Logo Embroidered Iron-on Hippie Patch.” Don’t you?

By Bob Starrett
You know you always wanted one. A “Pot Marijuana Leaf US USA Flag Logo Embroidered Iron-on Hippie Patch.” And it is only $3.99 on Amazon. What about “Outer Rebel Fashion Shoelaces – Black with Rasta Marijuana Leaves?” Perhaps an “Alligator In Egg Marijuana Pot Leaf Resin Ash Tray New” – only 1 left! That’s no surprise.
Very descriptive titles. I suppose merchandise follows trends. If something is popular then there will be a lot of themed merchandise following it around. Now I suspect that these items were not handmade by retired hippies in quaint shops in the Emerald Triangle or Nederland, Colorado. But the product descriptions reminded me of some that I had seen before.

Years ago I worked on the FEDLOG database. FEDLOG you may get by the name, or not, is the federal logistics database. What it is in essence is the federal government military parts catalog. It is distributed on five CD-ROMS or one DVD-ROM disc. Like many things that were once confined to CD or DVD, it is now also available online.

Talk about government waste, they have the corn dogs priced at $2.30 each.

We updated, produced and tested this database once a month. It was a big job to produce and test monthly. One of the tests we used, of course, was to search certain terms or phrases that we knew were, or should be in the database and I recall that one of our test search phrases was “Ratcheting Penis Clamp, Stainless Steel With Serrated Jaws.”
Now that is very descriptive, too, but I still do not know exactly what the thing was used for, but you (well, the military) could buy it, along with horses, dogs, tank parts, helicopters, guns and everything else that a well equipped military might need.
Like Corn Dogs. Again very descriptive: “Cornmeal batter wrapped frankfurter; w/ or w/o wooden skewer; max 65% batter and min 35% frankfurter in accordance with USDA standards for meat and poultry products.” That’s National Supply Number (NSN) 8940010917208, if you are hungry.
Anyway, I can’t find that ratcheting clamp today in the database, maybe it has been renamed or superceded. Or I suppose that it could have been classified. That would have caused a real problem during testing if it did not return results. We would have had a programmer’s meeting to track down the bug that let it slip through the cracks of the indexing engine.

This one I like: A “Marijuana Hemp Leaf Toaster” for $34.95. Just add a little cannabutter and you’re all set!

I’ll not worry about that today since I no longer have any responsibility for the thing, but that was my recollection of one of the search test phrases.
It is an interesting database to poke around in, well, maybe if you are bored. Talk about government waste, they have the corn dogs priced at $2.30 each. That sounds high. A Bell AH1 helicopter prices out at $2,547,745.00. Is that too much? I don’t know.
But on Amazon, I do know that a “First Check Home Drug Cup Test, Marijuana, (Pack of 2)” runs $27.49 and that seems reasonable. A set of 5 “Marijuana Pot Smokers Peace Love & Happiness Bookmarks With Raised Images” comes in at $9.75 and that too seems reasonable. 
The “Marijuana Seeds (Cannabis Seeds) 100+ used” I am going to pass on.
But this one I like. A “Marijuana Hemp Leaf Toaster” for $34.95. Oh, that looks good, just add a little cannabis butter and you are all set.

I’m going to pass on the “420 Marijuana Party Pot Leaf Novelty Sunglasses” for $2.95; that’s a bargain but they are not quite my style.

The “Blue Q I’m Savin’ Up For Some Good Weed Tin Bank,” that’s sort of neat for saving up for that ounce when you are limping along on discount eighths – only $7.91. The “STONER Street Sign pot smoker marijuana weed pipe gift” is only $8.99. Whatever that is, it’s a bargain.
Oh, here’s a book I wanted. “The Little Black Book of Marijuana: The Essential Guide to the World of Cannabis” by Steve Elliot, whoever that is. I’ll just get the Kindle edition. I really wanted an autographed hardcover, but I’ll wait on that. On my wish list.
I am going to pass on the “420 Marijuana Party Pot Leaf Novelty Sunglasses” for $2.95; that’s a bargain but they are not quite my style. This looks like a good deal, a “Fast Weigh MS-500-BLK Digital Pocket Scale, 500 by 0.1 G” for $6.49. 

Something for the kitchen: a “Gama-Go ‘Pot’ Holder,” $6.31.

And something for the bedroom, a “New King Size Reversible Comforter White / Black Marijuana POT Leaf Comforter,” $35.95, and “Beaded Curtains – Black Light Reactive Neon Pot Leaf Door Beads,” $14.95.
Something for the kitchen: a “Stonerware Brand Pot Leaf Cookie Cutter,” $5.99 and a “Gama-Go “Pot” Holder.” $6.31.
Shopping makes me tired.
But I got to wondering how much a drug sniffing dog costs. There it is: Dog, Animal, Patrol, Drug. $6,898.00.
Shop the world’s largest catalog!
Warning: It will open a separate window for each search and will JAM your RAM.
Disclaimer: I didn’t write that part of the code.
Editor’s note: Bob Starrett is a patent consultant in Denver, Colorado. He is the co-author of six books on optical disc storage technology, and his published magazine work includes more than 250 articles, reviews and columns on CD-ROM, CD Recordable, DVD-ROM and DVD Recordable technology for publications including PC Magazine, EMedia Magazine, CD-ROM Professional, Digital Video Magazine, Digital Content
Creator, One To One, Online, Tape-Disc Business and others. He holds a J.D. from the University of Colorado School of Law.