You can buy pot at nearly 750 dispensaries around Colorado, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Colorado is one of the few states that allows residents to grow their own cannabis, and plenty of them are all too happy to do so. Still, why put all the work in, when you can go to a store and buy something grown professionally?
Your boy got a big new TV for Christmas. She’s a real beaut, with all the apps. So many that I feel like a king, conquering the cable swine with my ability to use other people’s Dish and Xfinity accounts to watch cheesy action movie after cheesy action movie. Muscles, explosions and one-liners from Cruise, Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Give them to me. Now. With a blunt of Beijinho.
A Portuguese term for “baby kiss” or “little kiss,” the word “beijinho” is also associated with a Brazilian birthday candy made with coconut. I first found the strain on a hung-over Sunday morning, while wearing a sheen of self-regret and my clothes from the night before. A gentle kiss sounded like exactly what my lungs needed. Beijinho was sold to me as a 50/50 hybrid, bred from pure Afghani and Thai landraces for a simple yet effective high and delicious Durban-like flavor with a salty back end.
I can’t be the only person who instantly thinks of Family Matters the minute Purple Urkle makes an appearance on a dispensary shelf. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m in the majority.
The history behind the fruity, tranquilizing indica’s name is cloudy. The prevailing theory is that Purple Urkle was named for the strain’s potent high, which often leads to bumping into walls, irritating behavior and falling and not being able to get up — all hallmarks of everyone’s favorite nerdy annoyance in the ’90s, Steve Urkel.
Don’t start talking cereal with a stoner unless you want to go down an annoying rabbit hole as you discuss the differences between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Golden Grahams. We may seem laid-back, but when it comes to cereal, we have opinions — and nothing tops the Cap’n.
You know something’s great when you disregard the pain it brings, and I’ll take the razor-like cuts on the roof of my mouth every morning if it means I also get a bowl of Cap’n Crunch — any kind. I’ve even had Cap’n Crunch beers, thanks to Black Bottle Brewery’s Cerealiously line of stouts, as well as a Cap’n Crunchberries Slurpee at 7-Eleven. Both were delicious, and, yes, I was fried when I tried them. So when I saw a jar of frosty buds labeled “Crunch Berry” during a recent pot-shop visit, my mouth started salivating like Homer Simpson’s at the sight of doughnuts.
I like to think I’m a pretty hip guy. My beard’s trimmed, I get most of the shit on Saturday Night Live. My memes are fresh. And when something starts attracting adulation, I want to find out why. So after visiting the third dispensary in a row with a jar of Mandarin Cookies, I decided to stick my hand inside and smell the commotion. Spoiler alert: It’s worth the hype.
Does anyone else regret meeting their heroes? I ran into Chauncey Billups at an NBA event in Las Vegas when I was twelve, right after he won the 2004 NBA Finals. Total dick. No autograph, no hello — he just stood in front of a lobby TV, alone, ignoring the sniveling kid in a Melo jersey asking for his autograph. Michael Jordan stiffed kids, too. If you ask some of my golf-caddying friends, they’ll tell you that John Elway’s a shitty tipper. My point: Sometimes it’s best to only interact with your favorite superstars through a screen.
I’ve experienced similar disappointment with notorious cannabis strains. A trip through Europe promised my first experiences with African, Jamaican and Thai landraces — all of which looked, smelled and smoked like brick weed once I tried them. Purple Thai, either a mix of Oaxacan Gold and Chocolate Thai or a landrace, depending on the source, was even more disappointing; seeing it listed on a Denver dispensary menu brought flashbacks of brown, seedy nugs in a dim Amsterdam coffee shop. But modern American takes on such classics as Colombian Gold and Durban Poison made me optimistic enough to give Purple Thai another shot.
Dear Stoner: Why are dispensaries changing the names of Girl Scout Cookies and Gorilla Glue to just Cookies and Glue? Is it common for growers to change a name collectively like that?
My family has roots in Wisconsin, so my affinity for cheese comes naturally. Cheese curds, grilled cheese sandwiches, goat-cheese spread — if it’s cheesy, I’m easy. I even like the stinky French stuff like Camembert. But the stankiest cheese of all is from England, is grown indoors, and requires at least three weeks to cure.
UK Cheese became popular overseas in the ’90s, after a group of British growers going by the name of Exodus reportedly took a phenotype of Skunk #1 and bred it to pull out more creamy, sweet notes. Thanks to the strain’s unique flavor, it didn’t take long for UK Cheese to spread to Amsterdam, then America. Although it’s much easier to find the sweet, creamy funk of a Cheese strain now than it was thirty years ago, the original UK Cheese’s creative high has kept it on dispensary lineups.
I received a lot of Pez dispensers when I was a kid: Bugs Bunny, C-3PO, Scooby-Doo, Pikachu — you name it. While I later found out that my mom just bought the dispensers as an excuse to eat the candy that came with them, that didn’t dissuade me from trying out a strain inspired by Pez. A heavy, relaxing hybrid that tastes like candy sounded good on a recent dispensary visit, so I bought an eighth of Sour Pez, a special that day, without doing much inspection of the strain. The jury’s still out on whether that was a mistake or not.
People say that a sure sign of aging is that your hangovers get worse, but if you can battle through the pain and make it to work, that proves you’re still young at heart. They’re wrong: The real sign that you’re moving over the hill comes when you start preferring going out during the day to going out at night, when both your body and your mind have had it with the bar-room chumming, tequila shots and Taco Bell runs. Now you care more about raking leaves, finishing The Haunting of Hill House before social media spoils it, and enjoying a good meal.
If going hard at brunch now means buds instead of booze, you can get the best of both worlds from Mimosa, a sativa-leaning hybrid named after the favored Sunday cocktail. A child of Clementine and Purple Punch, Mimosa is a strain new to the Mile High that’s gotten off to a quick start. It appeared on several best-newcomer lists this year, including our own, and can be found at a handful of dispensaries around Denver despite not having shown up until 2017.