4/20 tips for noob-free holidaze



Puffing herb is one of my favorite past-times. To that end, I celebrate 4/20 all 365 days a year. I consider myself a pro now, but it wasn’t always that way. In high school, there was a lot of anticipation around my celebration of 4/20. Local dealers were contacted weeks in advance to source the required nug (gotta avoid price gouging and scarcity issues).
Bud in hand, we’d huddle over the brown brick of what we’d convince ourselves was “fire” and extract every last morsel of bud off the stems. Cigarellos were broken down, licked excessively, then re-purposed together like some bastardized Transformer known for its power of getting ridiculously stoned. In short: we were idiots. So for those who plan on partoking tomorrow, here are five things you can do to greatly improve your day that I’ve learned in my (high) life.

Do not wake up at 4:20AM.
By setting an alarm to get high, you’re simply confirming that your parents hated you every Christmas morning. Being well-rested is key to fighting off the urge to nap after your penultimate session, so why shoot yourself in the foot 12 hours earlier? The best case scenario here is you have some bomb indica that puts you directly back to sleep. Save your supply for enjoying in the company of fellow stoners. If you planned a sleepover, I can’t help you and you should probably stop reading now.
Smoke smarter, not harder.
If you’re looking to impress a crowd, don’t show up with the joint the size of a baby’s calf. Or a baby calf. If size mattered, you’d still see people driving Hummers. It takes a tremendous amount of skill to roll a novelty-sized spliff that won’t start canoeing before making it around the circle. My friend Cameron is the master of showing up at the party with a dozen or two prerolls, firing them up in rapid succession, and basking in their light as they start to pile up at a slower stoner. He gets invited to many parties.

Pass on your good glass.
Again, the urge to show off your prized piece can be so strong that logic falls by the wayside. If you bring your new 22″ tube with the 8 arm percolator, just pack a box of Kleenex, too. Nothing is going to harsh your 4/20 vibe more than dropping Big Bertha and watching her shatter into a thousand little pieces. You dropped some serious coin on this, don’t leave it in the hands of friends who are ripped out of their gourds. Even worse, you get so high that it’s misplaced, or Jah forbid, it gets ganked. Break out a strong utility piece you can afford to forget.
Know your limits when it comes to driving
One of my favorite 4/20 stories was the 17-year-old that got so baked at the (formerly) annual University of Colorado smoke-out, he ran into a parked Boulder County Sheriff. No one was hurt, but then again, the campus has closed the once-clouded quad since three teens were busted that day. Even the FDA approved Marinol says “not to drive, operate machinery, or engage in any hazardous activity until it is established that they are able to tolerate the drug and to perform such tasks safely.” In the event you scale Mt. Cannabis and aren’t sure you can climb back down, take a bus, take a cab, call your mom. God, I sound fucking old.
Bring the real party supplies
Once the sun goes down, another joint sounds great. But you know what would be really great? Teddy Grahams. Grape soda. A bag of Funyuns. If the book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” was written about stoner holidays, there would be three chapters dedicated to snack food. And the foreword. Edibles infused with herb are always fun, but lower your dose so a half a brownie doesn’t put you down until Earth Day. We learned this lesson the hard way, when a friend brought a batch of medicated stuffing to Thanksgiving. Tryptophan doesn’t have shit on cannabis, folks.


Box Johnson is a Colorado-based comedian, pot nerd and mustache aficionado. He is skilled at the art of glass origami and can roll joints in 15 different languages.