|It always feels like somebody’s watching me.|
Well, crazy tokers of the internet: you were right. I’ve argued for years that no one gives a shit what you do online as long as it doesn’t involve kids or weapons, even though a tiny hit of Durban Poison will have me drawing the shades and painting mental pictures of what prison is like.
But apparently the NSA cares what EVERYONE is doing. All the time. Our prized privacy is under attack, but here are some positives:
You’ve Been Smart
I have not. My posts on social networks regularly involve the possession and consumption of my (state) legal cannabis, but not in a rich-kid-on-Instagram way. Hell, I’ve had jobs before that required me to chronicle a dispensaries wares and upload them with clever tags.
But let’s face it: I’m pro-pot, make dick jokes, and have next to nothing to my name. Come at me, bro! You, on the other hand, probably only use anonymous library computers to find out how to make bongs out of Mountain Dew bottles, then wipe down the keyboard and mouse to remove any DNA and fingerprint evidence.
Score: Average stoner 1, me 0
Bigger Fish to Fry
You hiked two miles into the woods to plant that handful of bag seeds you’d been saving and didn’t tell your best friend until it was bagged and tagged. You’re a goddamn ninja.
Meanwhile, there’s literally no shortage of people doing stupid shit and then immediately uploading it to the internet. People in Colorado go on CNN and give people live tours of their gardens on the reg. When I Google myself (comedians = narcissists), one of the first pictures that shows up is an AP photo of me smelling some sweet old dank. You think they’re struggling to find people who smoke pot on the interwebs?
Score: Average stoner 2, me 0
Right Side of History
If this is all being archived (and I think it’s safe to assume that’s a big “YES” at this point), there’s inevitably going to be leaks. Government: you get what you pay for!
Who isn’t dying to know what the NSA thought was their juicy bits? With prohibition failing and medical states piling up closer and closer to the famed 50% of the union mark, righteous assholes will start popping out of the woodwork. Most people who claim they were on “the right side of history” have done little to advance their side. Count me in!
Your record of note will only include the time you posted the illegally recorded first AND second night of Widespread Panic at Red Rocks. Not cool.
Score: Average stoner 2, me 1
Into the Wild
Creature comforts like the internet are morphing a generation of kids into screen-feeders, constantly subjecting their retinas to artificial light and inane bullshit. When my internet goes down for two minutes at work, I’m flipping desks and yelling at Cathy to reset the fucking router (YOU’LL EARN YOUR DAMN KEEP, CATHY!)
Actual ads exist to tell people to look at the road while driving their one ton killing machine instead of texting. You foresaw all of this, built your sick cabin in the woods like some reefered-up Ron Swanson and are content living off the land, sans landline.
Score: Average stoner 3, me 1
Congrats! You win, you much-smarter-than-me stoner, you. I just hope someone printed this out and sent it via carrier pigeon so you can revel in the glory of your victory. I’m going back to Googling myself now.
Box Johnson is a Denver-based comedian and pot nerd. He enjoys collecting Smurf dolls and dancing in front-yard sprinklers.