Stoner MacGyver: Seven tips for smuggling small stashes


When a member of stoned society makes the decision to travel with a small stash of weed, he or she has made a risky decision to tug at the short-and-curlies of law enforcement and challenge them to a drug war duel. It’s simple, you are trying to make your way across town to get stoned with your buddies, and the meathead police are trying to stop you from having a good time. The whole goddamned scenario is essentially what would happen if the reality police show ‘Cops’ and a video game such as ‘Grand Theft Auto’ had a one night nipple twisting lust fest and nine months later, one of them popped a bastard love child. That’s exactly what trying evade law enforcement while smuggling dope is: a spontaneous fling between the asshole of reality and a program that can be learned and ultimately, beaten like a borrowed mule. Here are 7 tips for how to do that shit right the first time.

Creative Commons/Mike6271.

7. Handle Marijuana With Latex/Nitrile Gloves.
It may sound a bit paranoid to get all CSI about transporting a couple of joints over to friends house for an afternoon toke and choke ritual, but you know what they say: a little stoner science keeps the pothead out of the poky. Honestly, anyone who uses an expression like that is an asshole, but that doesn’t necessarily make the philosophy untrue. You see, marijuana contains microscopic dust particles that can linger on a person’s hand after they’ve rolled a joint, packed a bong or handled weed in any way. This doobie dust can then be transferred to whatever a person touches: a car door, a steering wheel, clothing, and will certainly alert a drug dog in the event of a shakedown.

Creative Commons/GoodMami

6. Spray Your Tires With Deer Scent
Drug sniffing dogs are not some genius breed of pot-hating hounds on a mission to destroy lives. In reality, these four-legged officers are simply dumb beasts plagued with a certain level of psychosis each time they are called on by their handlers to sniff out their ball, which just so happens to smell like a fat sack of marijuana. However, these animals are preditorial by nature, so any aromatic signs of another animal, in or around the vehicle, will deter a drug dog from finding your weed. So, head down to your local redneck surplus store, pick up a few bottles of synthetic animal urine, and douse those Michelins liberally. Who gives a shit if, for a few days, your car smells like the homeless have been using it for toilet. At least you you’re not going to jail for weed.

5. Travel With a Pet
Another way to throw off the scent of a drug-sniffing dog is to simply take a feline friend along for the ride. Tossing a cat in the car is a great way to bamboozle a K-9 unit into forgetting about doing his one and only job – finding your pot stash. Most of the time, even if an officer removes the cat from the vehicle, the dog is too preoccupied with the odor of your little shotgun pussy to give two flying squirts about finding a reason to take you to jail. However, we suggest using the cat you keep as a family pet and not some random stray destined to claw your eyeballs out at 50 mph. There are very few things worse than getting busted for possession of marijuana, but we are going to go out on a limb and say being mauled by a scared alley cat in heavy traffic is probably relatively high on that list.
Page down for the rest of our tips on smuggling small stashes of pot.

4. Get Rid of the Hippie Window Stickers
Regardless of it being unlawful and unconstitutional as shit, there is simply no denying that cops get glass-cutting chubbies every time they get behind a car decorated in hippy stickers and other incriminating decals that say – hey, pig. If you can find a reason to search my car, there is a pretty good goddamn chance you are going to find some weed. Not that all of you twenty-year-olds out there don’t have the right to profess your devote fanaticism for bands like Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead and any number of other musical groups from the flower power generation that burned out long before your last diaper change. But this type of fan boy merchandise is a huge cop magnet and will bring the heat down.

3. Know Where and Where Not to Hide Your Weed
When it comes to hiding weed in an inconspicuous crevasse of your vehicle, where there is no way in hell some douche bag cop is going to find it during a search, the first thing you have to consider is science. The odor of weed permeates. It does not matter if you pack it in a tight ass container of Tupperware and cover it in gazelle manure, eventually the scent of the marijuana will exit the confines of its smelly vessel and be detectable by a drug dog. So, do not stash your marijuana in the car an hour before you leave the house. Instead, do it two minutes before you hit the road. Now, if you have followed the tips up to this point, you should be relatively safe. However, you still need to stash your pot inside the car – not anywhere on the exterior. Find a place to hide your weed as close to the middle of the vehicle as possible and as high as possible. The word on the street is dogs have a difficult time smelling up.

Creative Commons/Magnolia677.

2. Drive a Clean Car
It does not matter if the car you drive is held together with duct tape, fishing line and bungee cord, it is always a good idea to keep the interior of your vehicle as clean as possible. This means if you make a habit out of travelling with weed, you need to make damn sure your floorboard does not resemble a fast food graveyard. Not only that but make sure there are no signs of roaches or forgotten paraphernalia still lingering around in the ashtray from the car’s previous stoner. Clean it up and make it look somewhat respectable. Sure, there is still a greater probability you will be pulled over in 1970s clunker than a soccer mom mini-van, but there is just something about a clean ride that tells a nosey cop: Look motherfucker, I am clean!

1. Do Not Smoke Weed in the Car
Although there is no scientific evidence to support the following, we feel it is important to clear the air, so to speak, about attempting to mask the odor of marijuana. Here is the truth: there is not an air fresher or deodorizing spray on the American market potent enough to snuff out the stench of good weed…not a single product. Perhaps in a foreign land there may be some exotic concoction made by Tibetan monks consisting of monkey spunk and the blood of a virgin tiger that has the power to eliminate the pungent odor of a freshly burnt joint, but nothing manufactured by the employees at Glade or Fabreeze is ever will. So please, do yourself a favor and save the smoke session for after you get to your final destination. If not, you are doomed and no one can help you.
Mike Adams writes for stoners and smut enthusiasts in High Times, Playboy’s The Smoking Jacket and Hustler Magazine. You can follow him on Twitter @adamssoup and on Facebook/mikeadams73.