While the War on Drugs has become the largest political sideshow the United States has even produced, there is simply no denying the heaping helping of humor that has manifested from the nation’s lust for the dust and Uncle Sam’s madcap approach to keeping their nose clean, so to speak. Yet, that has not stopped thousands of people every year from pushing bags of brown, white and green dope into nearly every orifice of their bodies, in hopes of bamboozling drug-sniffing authorities all over the country.
Unfortunately, while squeezing a fat sack of crack between your butt cheeks can sometimes be an effective method for avoiding a shakedown, the moment some large meathead cop whispers something in your ear like, “What’s your sign, sailor,” there is a damn good chance you are about to fisted in the back room by a group of sexually confused law enforcement cronies.
But don’t take it from us… ask 26-year-old KathyAnn Ferguson, who was busted last week by Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport security after trying to smuggle a shipment of cocaine in her snatch. Reports from The Sun Sentinel indicate that Ferguson was returning home from Montego Bay, Jamaica on Sunday, when she lost her war nerve during a customs search and ratted herself out to the police. A secondary search, also known as the reading of the lips, uncovered about six ounces of cocaine stuffed inside her vagina.
Now, we are not trying to be judgmental, but balling 175 grams of coca-cuckoo seems like quite a haul for one girl’s measly who-ha. Yet, as our panel of pussy experts explained it: although the average vagina is only about 3-4 inches long, it works similar to a balloon and is capable of expanding by about 200 percent. Remember, a vagina is designed to deliver babies that weigh several pounds, for the chrissake, so a few ounces of cocaine is nowhere near a hefty enough haul to fill a hairy hole.
When Ferguson appeared before Judge John “Jay” Hurley on Monday for a bond hearing, he said he believed she was being used as a drug mule to smuggle dope into the United States. Court records show that she was subsequently released on a $15,000 bond.
Although smuggling drugs in the vagina seems to be the latest trend, it sure beats the hell out of another crazy concept that got some attention in the 1980’s – injecting cocaine into the pecker for sexual pleasure. In a feature published by The New York Times, physicians across the United States were warning people about a dangerous new trend that was sweeping many sexual circles here in America, in which men were shooting cocaine into their urethras for longer lasting erections. However, in one case, a man suffered gangrene from employing this method that resulted in him having his penis amputated, along with both legs and his fingers.
Mike Adams writes for stoners and smut enthusiasts in High Times, Playboy’s The Smoking Jacket and Hustler Magazine. You can follow him on Twitter @adamssoup and on Facebook/mikeadams73.