How Not to Smuggle Hash Potatoes in a Lebanese Prison, and the Tale of Linnaeus Jackal


Inmates of a Lebanese prison camp might be having vegetables for dinner later this week, but the hash potatoes they hoped to get their hands are now in the possession of authorities. A report from Al Arabiya News indicates that a load of potatoes delivered to the Tyre prison in Lebanon was discovered to contain hashish. Hash browns anyone?

In a statement provided by the Internal Security Forces: authorities busted a 22-year-old Palestinian national who attempted to smuggle about 16 potatoes inside the prison that contained chiseled out centers filled with hashish. The plan was to transport the potatoes to a 33-year-old inmate, possibly a prison cook, who was then going to sell the Black Afghani to the other prisoners.
Not unlike the American prison system, inmates locked up in Western Asia will go to great lengths to smuggle illegal contraband inside the jail. The same report claims that in October, prison officials intercepted several hundred capsules of Benzhexol, which is a drug primarily used to treat Parkinson’s disease. No telling what those deviant bastards planned to do with enough antiparkinson medication to pull Muhammad Ali out of retirement, but rest assured, third world convicts will use any despicable method available to tickle their dopamine receptors. We can’t say that we blame them.
Lebanese prison guards have also found hashish hidden in pairs of shoes, pistachio shells, apricots and sandwiches – reporting a veritable smorgasbord of high-octane pot tar being confiscated in prisons all across the country. However, no one knows exactly what is happening to the hashish once it has been sieized. Our theory, which is rooted in one part geography and another part sadomasochism, is that Lebanese prison guards are just as vile as the inmates, and likely sell the hashish back to the prison population in exchange for bizarre sexual demands, which may or may not include bestiality.
In the late 1980s there was a rumor floating around that Lebanese officers were forcing inmates convicted of drug-related offenses to fight a rabid Linnaeus jackal in the nude. Of course, the savage mauling meant almost certain death, which would take place immediately after the prisoners were ripped to pieces by the sick animal or slowly from the onset of rabies and infection endured from scratches and bites.
However, the prison guards would encourage the inmates to sodomize the animal before the attack got too severe because it was the only way of forcing the beast into submission, and ultimately saving themselves from having their penis chewed off by a devil dog. Unfortunately, rabies can be sexually transmitted, and the men still died a miserable death with a few days.
Mike Adams writes for stoners and smut enthusiasts in High Times, Playboy’s The Smoking Jacket and Hustler Magazine. You can follow him on Twitter @adamssoup and on Facebook/mikeadams73.