Lots of folks get a little lonely around the holidays, and they all deal with it in their own way. For 30-year old Jared Kreft, the best way he could think of to cope with the holiday blues was to seek out a little romance.
When he entered some stranger’s barn last Wednesday night in Wasau, Wisconsin, he knew he was trespassing… but love was in the air.
He must have felt pretty confident strolling past the stalls, seeking out a willing-looking stallion. After all, he had his horse-fuckin’ outfit on, highlighted by a sweet, customized pair of parachute pants with easy-access panels conveniently cut out of the crotch and ass.
In one pocket he had a jar full of Vaseline, and in the other pocket he had his trusty glass weed pipe and his…and his….well, he forgot his weed at home, but he had those pants!
Someone in the area called the police and reported hearing strange noises coming from the barn. No word if it sounded like a hoof on the back of a human head, but when the local cops busted in, they found Kreft with a mouthful of thoroughbred dong.
He had a facemask on, perhaps after learning the hard way on an ornery goat at some point in his life, and of course he had those pants of his, but one thing he didn’t have was a reasonable excuse for what he was up to when the cops walked in.
He could have at least tried to play dumb and say he was just trying to milk the horse, even though you don’t milk a horse…especially a male one.
Instead, he pulled the “horse porn” defense, claiming he was overwhelmed with the urge to live out the fantasy after watching some beastiality porn right before setting off to find a co-star of his own.
Searching Kreft’s apartment for clues that may lead to other 4-legged victims unable (literally) to speak out, the cops found the small amount of weed that Kreft had left behind, which just added to his rather embarrassing rap sheet.
Kreft is due in court on Tuesday to face charges of possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, jumping bail, and…well…sexual gratification with an animal sex organ.
Kyle Mayo, the Marathon County District Attorney, called the case unique saying, “We don’t have very many of them in the county”.
You heard it here: there are not “very many” masked equine-fellating men with crotchless/assless trousers roaming Marathon County, so sleep tight residents and livestock.