Author Toke of the Town

Bestowing the right name on a strain has become more important than ever. Although not quite as pun-filled as the craft-beer or food-truck industries, the commercial marijuana business has so many colorful varieties that a boring moniker really stands out among the Alaskan Thunderfucks and Cantaloupe Kushes of the world. Chernobyl is a name that definitely gets noticed, but in a more gruesome fashion than I’d like.

Chernobyl was the Soviet facility that experienced a reactor malfunction in 1984, resulting in one of the worst nuclear-power-plant accidents in history. The nearby town of Pripyat, Ukraine, is still abandoned, and the disaster’s long-term effects are expected to kill up to 60,000 people, largely from thyroid cancer. Chernobyl the strain’s bright-green color has a radiant glow, and its genetics are somewhat ghastly, too, hailing from a blend of Trainwreck, Jack the Ripper and Trinity. Still, I’d rather think of Mr. Burns or the Springfield Isotopes after smoking this citrus delight than death, disease and destruction.

Dear Stoner: Now that other states have legalized marijuana, what does that mean for Colorado? Will the roads be less crowded?
Kip

Dear Kip: Probably not. I’m not even going to get into the whole “legal weed is why this state is so crowded and more expensive” discussion, but maybe that will be settled over the next year, when Coloradans see yet more transplants coming into the state — even though several other states just legalized marijuana. Since 2012, Denver has regularly been in the top three metro areas experiencing employment, population and rental growth, and while that growth has slowed since 2015, this city is still growing. California, Massachusetts, Maine and Nevada all voted to legalize recreational marijuana on November 8, and although some California cities are popular with millennials, Boston and Las Vegas aren’t projected to experience anywhere near the growth in employment and residents that booming Western cities such as Denver, Portland and Seattle have.

Dear Stoner: I just had knee surgery and will be on my butt for a while. What’s the best weed for a long staycation?
Jill

Dear Jill: Unless you have a creative outlet that requires periods of mental energy, I’d recommend staying away from stronger sativas, because smoking Diesel or Durban might make you restless while you’re stuck on the couch with little to do. However, a bowl of something lighter, like Stardawg or Flo, could help you enjoy a book in the back yard before it’s too cold outside. If you’re planning on a steady diet of Netflix, video games and iPhone dillydallying, though, you probably want something that will take you to space.

Dear Stoner: Will secondhand pot smoke get me high?
Rudy

Dear Rudy: Thanks to advice from Casanova (the eighteenth-century Italian adventurer/author/player), oysters are renowned as an aphrodisiac — a natural Viagra, if you will. But while oysters are high in zinc, which increases testosterone, and dopamine, which stimulates the brain, Casanova said he ate five dozen oysters per day. Are you going to eat that many oysters on a date to go full-chubs faster? If not, you probably won’t be game to inhale enough smoke to get a contact high, either.

Dear Stoner: I would like to get a test for my THC levels without risking my driving privilege. If the marijuana industry is so smart and innovative, why is nothing being offered to consumers?
Steve

Dear Steve: Didn’t know the marijuana industry was responsible for your self-control or driving habits. I probably wouldn’t blame Oskar Blues if I got a DUI; I haven’t needed a breathalyzer to figure out that I’ve had too many since…ever. Still, I can see how the lack of science and clarity behind marijuana impairment is frustrating for all parties involved. Sadly, there isn’t much of a solution on the horizon, because proving marijuana consumption and actual impairment aren’t one and the same — and science can currently only do the former.

Have you ever heard of a legendary strain on the street but never found it? Like that urban legend about catfish the size of a Volkswagen at the bottom of the lake, some tales are too good to be true. For me, L.A. Confidential was that car-sized catfish for the longest time — until I caught the sonofabitch on a college trip to San Diego. But now, thanks to legalization, you don’t have to travel that far to find this beast.

Some of you might know L.A. Confidential as an underrated neo-noir crime movie from the mid-’90s starring Kevin Spacey, but potheads, especially those on the West Coast, know it as a classic indica strain that is not to be taken lightly. As the name suggests, the strain was born in Southern California, gaining prominence in the early 2000s and winning third and second place in the 2004 and 2005High Times Cannabis Cups for best indica. Bred by DNA Genetics, L.A. Confidential is an artistic mixture of an Afghani phenotype and landrace indica, OG LA Affie. The combination creates beautiful, bright-green nugs with vibrant mauve streaks, like Palo Verde trees in a Mojave desert sunset, and the high is just as relaxing.