Herbert Fuego

We need more movies about ancient Egypt. And Greece, Rome, Babylon — wherever there were multiple gods and peasants in sandals. Give me some weed and a not-shitty action flick with sword fights and mythology, and I’m the happiest stoned idiot in the world. Enough with the fucking superheroes, already.

Seeing a strain by the name of Tutankhamon (pronounce it like this: “Toot-en-common”) at a Broadway dispensary instantly ignited my interest, and before I knew it, I was bingeing a couple of Brendan Fraser renditions of The Mummy alongside The Prince of Egypt (my choices were more limited than I thought). But smoking Tutankhamon gave me so much energy that I’d rather have hiked a few pyramids than watch movies about them.

Herbert Fuego

When I was in second grade, our teacher told us about the grand experiments involving scientists splicing or fusing (or whatever) a gene here or there, which would one day create massive tomatoes and watermelons that could end world hunger. Pretty cool, right? Fast-forward twenty years, and come to find out that my teacher was talking about GMOs (genetically modified organisms), and people are now freaking the fuck out over $6 bottles of juice.

Those who despise GMOs would be unwise to hate on the strain known as GMO Cookies, though. Some breeders and dispensaries have changed the name to Garlic Cookies out of fear of consumer pushback — but anyone who blindly buys commercial pot and whatever the hell it’s laced with, then boycotts a particular strain over its name alone has their priorities wrong.

Herbert Fuego

This cauliflower mania is starting to freak me out. As if bastardizing mashed potatoes weren’t enough, now they’re trying to take down pizza crusts. We’re not saving animals by sacrificing taste, people.

And after going down an Internet rabbit hole of cauliflower creations (there are a lot), I found out that cauliflower’s not even natural. It was made by selectively breeding wild cabbage. But then, most of our current fruits and vegetables were made that way. Also dogs and cats…and cannabis. Seeing what citrus fruits looked like before selective breeding painted a grim picture of our ancestors, who were stuck with a bunch of thick rinds and large seeds — much like ancient tokers, who smoked buds that looked more like industrial hemp than what we have today.

Herbert Fuego

Ever come up with a joke or an idea that seemed great, only to find out that someone else had thought of the same thing? While the discovery doesn’t kill every original fiber in your body, it’s pretty deflating — and just about unavoidable in capitalism. Consider the craft-beer industry, which is so heavy on pun-filled names that lawsuits and cease-and-desists have created lifelong enemies within it. If cannabis genetics and names could be registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, there’d be plenty of assholes lining up with legal action in this field, too.

But because the plant is still federally illegal, finding strains with the same name (but differing genetics) is common. And when you’re breeding from a popular strain like Gorilla Glue, limited iterations are sure to cross paths in the naming process. For example, Crazy Glue is a hybrid of Gorilla Glue with two different origins — neither of them Superglue, another branch on the Gorilla Glue tree. One version of Crazy Glue carries Super Silver Hazeand Chemdog influences, while our hometown version is bred from Bubba Kush.

Herbert Fuego

Dairy and I don’t get along these days. Your boy can no longer have a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch before bed without later getting up at least twice, stricken by the dysentery. (If you’re thinking about suggesting almond and soy milk, or whatever, just stop.) It took me some time — and more than a few sleepless nights — to realize the connection between milk and an upset stomach, and then I dropped dairy altogether…but not before significantly altering my sleeping schedule.

Evening naps and wide-awake nights had me yawning just as the sun was starting to come up again. I needed something that would help me fall asleep at 10 p.m. and stay asleep, and a jar labeled “Pillow Factory” looked like it might contain just the remedy.

Herbert Fuego

Spotting a hybrid with genetics worth getting excited about is becoming less common every year. That strain is either some new Cookies hybrid or another spin on OG Kush, and I’ve already had my fill of both. But coming across Bubble Jack, an obvious cross of classic Bubblegum and Jack Herer, finally gave me something to believe in again. With the anniversary of the Emperor of Hemp’s death less than a month away, I figured it was a fitting time to give ol’ Jackie Bubbles a try.

Herbert Fuego

There’s no shortage of strain names that can lead to awkward moments with a budtender. Asking someone to show you a jar of Moby Dick or Matanuska Thunder Fuck is always a fun experience, but nothing tops calling a dispensary to ask if it has any Pootie Tang left — unless the budtender asks you to repeat the question, which actually happened to me at Herbs 4 You earlier this week. “I asked if you had any Pootie Tang left,” is something I’d rather not repeat.

Even after comedy hipsters and lovers of early-aughts blaxploitation parodies like Undercover Brother (which I sorta like) made Pootie Tang the movie into something of a cult classic, I never came around. The fame that Louis C.K. and J.B. Smoove later found in life likely has more to do with why people pretend to like Pootie Tang nowadays, but naming an award-winning weed strain after the film probably didn’t hurt brand awareness, either.

Herbert Fuego

Here’s a surprise: I was planning to do a review of a certain strain right before St. Patrick’s Day 2018, but my stoner scheduling habits got in the way. Fortunately, there were plenty of other varieties of cannabis to keep me occupied until March rolled around this year, when I finally got another chance to try out Lucky Charms.

This potent hybrid is better known for its sugar-like trichome coating than being magically delicious, but it’s become a popular strain nonetheless, routinely stocked at over ten metro dispensaries at any given time. 

Herbert Fuego

If you didn’t like Scooby-Doo when you were growing up, you’re probably not a dog person now. And I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs. Ergo, if you didn’t watch the show, you’re not allowed in my house. Not that I ask people before they visit or anything; that’d be weird. But if I find out? Peace.

Maybe it was my forever love for Scoob and the gang, or all the Shaggy memes flooding the Internet in January (Google it), but I just couldn’t resist a strain called Scooby Snacks — even after I found out that it was a child of Girl Scout Cookies, which I made a New Year’s resolution to avoid. The problem is, Cookies strains are damn near unavoidable these days. So much so, in fact, that all three commercial types of Scooby Snacks (or Scooby Snax, depending on the store) carry some kind of Cookies genetics

Herbert Fuego

Anyone who’s spent more than two beers with me has surely heard me call someone a nickname with the word “dog” in it — or, more accurately, dawg. Kramer from Seinfeld? Krame Dawg (though I prefer Krame Dawwwwwgggg). Nikola Jokic and Mason Plumlee? Yolk Dawg and Plumdawg Millionaire, respectively. And how many times does our cannabis editor, Thomas Mitchell, have to tell you to call him T-Dawg?

Based on name alone, I’ve always been a fan of the Chemdog (yes, that’s the correct spelling) family, but there’s also a lot of weight behind its reputation. Those gassy, pungent smells and mind-bending effects keep it fixed in Colorado’s commercial rotation, birthing such strains as 303 OG, Sour Diesel and — one of my favorites — Star Dawg, a powerful, euphoric hybrid with Chemdog 4 (a Chemdog phenotype) genetics that were crossed with Tres Dawg, an indica with strong Chemdog influences. Tokers who appreciate classic earthy flavors with a skunky, chemical-like twist will love it.