We need more movies about ancient Egypt. And Greece, Rome, Babylon — wherever there were multiple gods and peasants in sandals. Give me some weed and a not-shitty action flick with sword fights and mythology, and I’m the happiest stoned idiot in the world. Enough with the fucking superheroes, already.

Seeing a strain by the name of Tutankhamon (pronounce it like this: “Toot-en-common”) at a Broadway dispensary instantly ignited my interest, and before I knew it, I was bingeing a couple of Brendan Fraser renditions of The Mummy alongside The Prince of Egypt (my choices were more limited than I thought). But smoking Tutankhamon gave me so much energy that I’d rather have hiked a few pyramids than watch movies about them.

When I was in second grade, our teacher told us about the grand experiments involving scientists splicing or fusing (or whatever) a gene here or there, which would one day create massive tomatoes and watermelons that could end world hunger. Pretty cool, right? Fast-forward twenty years, and come to find out that my teacher was talking about GMOs (genetically modified organisms), and people are now freaking the fuck out over $6 bottles of juice.

Those who despise GMOs would be unwise to hate on the strain known as GMO Cookies, though. Some breeders and dispensaries have changed the name to Garlic Cookies out of fear of consumer pushback — but anyone who blindly buys commercial pot and whatever the hell it’s laced with, then boycotts a particular strain over its name alone has their priorities wrong.