Herbert Fuego

When you’re an adult, there’s really no upside to being sick. You either don’t get paid when you miss work, or you get paid but still have to do all the work you missed when you return. But at least being sick is a rare excuse to use nighttime cough syrup, which knocks me out as hard as cannabis ever has without completely zapping my dreams.

Research has shown a link between regular cannabis use and decreased REM sleep, or the stage of sleep when your body relaxes enough to let your mind dream. Still wanting to keep up my REM activity without totally ending the cannabis use, I hoped a strain by the name of Sueño (the Spanish word for “dream”) would bring me some good juju.

Herbert Fuego

I must be getting old. My foot hurts for no reason, shows on Nickelodeon don’t make sense anymore, and new weed strains are just as annoying as they are intriguing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still fun to try out the latest varieties and expand my tastebuds. However, there are a lot of new strains out there that make me regret straying from the tried and true. With Cookies and Gorilla Glue dominating dispensary shelves, sometimes I wonder how different these “new” cuts really are.

That was my thought when I saw Space Monkey, which has showed up at Colorado dispensaries within the last year or so.

Herbert Fuego

Strawberry ice cream and milkshakes will never get the same love as their chocolate and vanilla counterparts. Is that fair? Not really. Almost anything is better than vanilla, the missionary position of ice cream. And while strawberry isn’t quite in chocolate’s reverse-cowgirl territory, it’s nearing the same ballpark. So stop treating frozen strawberry treats like an over-the-pants hand job, America. They deserve better.

I take solace in the fact that strawberry aromas and flavors are still sexy in the weed world, which has made Strawberry Cough a first-ballot dime piece. Strawberry Diesel, Strawberry Fields and Sequoia Strawberry all pack popular strawberry characteristics, too, with luscious, ripe notes that remind users of America’s fourth-most-popular fruit in 2018. The newest strawberry cannabis contender, Strawberry Milkshake, has received similar treatment from dispensaries, usually trending on the expensive end for flower.

Herbert Fuego

I can’t be the only person who waited until June to start exercising again, but it certainly feels that way, watching all of you fit Colorado dickweeds jogging and biking everywhere as I Uber half a mile to Shake Shack. Metabolism just doesn’t have my back like it used to, and at this point in life, I deserve the love handles. Time to get off my ass and do some push-ups, right?

If only I had that sentiment before finding Sour Grapes.

Herbert Fuego

Colorado’s cannabis and craft-beer industries are often compared, but while they might boast similar demographics, the two businesses are very different in several important ways. For instance, unlike Colorado liquor stores, which often are state-centric in their craft-beer selections, Colorado dispensaries sometimes seem to favor California genetics over strains that got their start locally. So it’s always nice to see a hometown strain, such as Bear Dance, get some commercial love in Denver.

A cross of Snowcap and Suge Pure Kush by Colorado breeder 303 Seeds, Bear Dance is usually considered a daytime strain or even a near-hybrid by dispensaries, but it’s almost always a sedative high for me. The strain’s fruity, cheesy notes are made for an after-dinner smoke, and the effects are sufficiently calming and euphoric to relax a tired, full body.

Herbert Fuego

Just about every time I get cocky enough to assume I can guess a strain’s effects based on its name, I always get brought back down to earth — or shot out to space, depending on the strain. But a Diesel had never done me wrong…until I got seduced by a bouquet of lilacs.

Aromatically alluring and extremely dangerous, Lilac Diesel is a sedative cross of several strains, including Citral Glue, Forbidden Fruit, New York City Diesel, Cherry Pie and Super Lemon Haze. The combination results in an intoxicating odor that somehow showcases a slice of each parent strain. Sweet, tropical notes of berries and fruit as well as sour, rubbery hints of gas are blanketed by calming yet zesty floral notes of lavender — or lilac, if you really want to go there.

Herbert Fuego

The name is a little much, but SAGE (Sativa Afghani Genetic Equilibrium) has always been underrated in the legalized version of Denver, and can only be found in a few dispensaries…if you’re lucky. A precursor to Girl Scout Cookies, Gorilla Glue and other potent strains with long, even-keeled highs, SAGE peaked in popularity in the mid-2000s, But even if you can’t find the original, any other version will usually do, particularly Sage N Sour.

Also called Sour Sage, Sage N Sour is even harder to locate than SAGE, but a handful of pot shops occasionally carry it. Known for better daytime effects and focus than its parent, Sage N Sour is a cross between SAGE and the energetic and ever-pungent Sour Diesel. The hybrid’s rubbery aroma and coffee-like effects tilt much more on the Diesel spectrum, but assertive spicy and piney notes on the back end and a pacifying head high balance out those gassy characteristics.