I like to think I’m a pretty hip guy. My beard’s trimmed, I get most of the shit on Saturday Night Live. My memes are fresh. And when something starts attracting adulation, I want to find out why. So after visiting the third dispensary in a row with a jar of Mandarin Cookies, I decided to stick my hand inside and smell the commotion. Spoiler alert: It’s worth the hype.
Does anyone else regret meeting their heroes? I ran into Chauncey Billups at an NBA event in Las Vegas when I was twelve, right after he won the 2004 NBA Finals. Total dick. No autograph, no hello — he just stood in front of a lobby TV, alone, ignoring the sniveling kid in a Melo jersey asking for his autograph. Michael Jordan stiffed kids, too. If you ask some of my golf-caddying friends, they’ll tell you that John Elway’s a shitty tipper. My point: Sometimes it’s best to only interact with your favorite superstars through a screen.
I’ve experienced similar disappointment with notorious cannabis strains. A trip through Europe promised my first experiences with African, Jamaican and Thai landraces — all of which looked, smelled and smoked like brick weed once I tried them. Purple Thai, either a mix of Oaxacan Gold and Chocolate Thai or a landrace, depending on the source, was even more disappointing; seeing it listed on a Denver dispensary menu brought flashbacks of brown, seedy nugs in a dim Amsterdam coffee shop. But modern American takes on such classics as Colombian Gold and Durban Poison made me optimistic enough to give Purple Thai another shot.
Dear Stoner: Why are dispensaries changing the names of Girl Scout Cookies and Gorilla Glue to just Cookies and Glue? Is it common for growers to change a name collectively like that?
My family has roots in Wisconsin, so my affinity for cheese comes naturally. Cheese curds, grilled cheese sandwiches, goat-cheese spread — if it’s cheesy, I’m easy. I even like the stinky French stuff like Camembert. But the stankiest cheese of all is from England, is grown indoors, and requires at least three weeks to cure.
UK Cheese became popular overseas in the ’90s, after a group of British growers going by the name of Exodus reportedly took a phenotype of Skunk #1 and bred it to pull out more creamy, sweet notes. Thanks to the strain’s unique flavor, it didn’t take long for UK Cheese to spread to Amsterdam, then America. Although it’s much easier to find the sweet, creamy funk of a Cheese strain now than it was thirty years ago, the original UK Cheese’s creative high has kept it on dispensary lineups.
I received a lot of Pez dispensers when I was a kid: Bugs Bunny, C-3PO, Scooby-Doo, Pikachu — you name it. While I later found out that my mom just bought the dispensers as an excuse to eat the candy that came with them, that didn’t dissuade me from trying out a strain inspired by Pez. A heavy, relaxing hybrid that tastes like candy sounded good on a recent dispensary visit, so I bought an eighth of Sour Pez, a special that day, without doing much inspection of the strain. The jury’s still out on whether that was a mistake or not.
People say that a sure sign of aging is that your hangovers get worse, but if you can battle through the pain and make it to work, that proves you’re still young at heart. They’re wrong: The real sign that you’re moving over the hill comes when you start preferring going out during the day to going out at night, when both your body and your mind have had it with the bar-room chumming, tequila shots and Taco Bell runs. Now you care more about raking leaves, finishing The Haunting of Hill House before social media spoils it, and enjoying a good meal.
If going hard at brunch now means buds instead of booze, you can get the best of both worlds from Mimosa, a sativa-leaning hybrid named after the favored Sunday cocktail. A child of Clementine and Purple Punch, Mimosa is a strain new to the Mile High that’s gotten off to a quick start. It appeared on several best-newcomer lists this year, including our own, and can be found at a handful of dispensaries around Denver despite not having shown up until 2017.
My birthday is coming up, but I won’t be asking for cake. I’m a pie guy and always have been. Yet despite my affinity for pies, I’ve never come across a grape pie. Growing up, I saw purple filling in cartoon pies, but those were always filled with blackberries…weren’t they?
Legal cannabis is growing fast. Since November 2012, when voters in Colorado and Washington approved legalizing the plant, seven more states followed suit, and two more have legalization measures on the ballot next month. And don’t forget Canada, where marijuana became officially legal in mid-October.
All that growth brings a growing demand for energy and other resources, however. Cannabis business analytics firm New Frontier Data recently released a report showing that electricity consumption by America’s pot industry will increase by 162 percent by 2020, with the industry currently consuming 1.1 million megawatt hours of electricity annually, or enough to power 92,500 homes for a year.
Fun fact: You can never have too much Sour Diesel. Don’t believe me? You’re about to read the word “diesel” so often that you’ll swear you were wearing a trucker hat.
I’m not saying you can never smoke too much weed — smoking is still bad, mmkay? — but if I had to puff one strain for the rest of my life, Sour Diesel would be a strong candidate. The popular sativa’s lasting, uplifting high and rubbery stank make it an easy choice for the novice and experienced alike, so naturally, the Diesel family tree has branched out to create to a number of different strains. But how many of them carry the genetics of three Diesels in one?