Herbert Fuego

That Area 51 raid sure came out like a wet fart after all that. The event page’s creator now wants to throw a festival in a town near the restricted military base instead, surprising and exciting no one. So instead of stealing a dope-ass laser gun from the Man, I’ll just have to get high and watch Mars Attacks! or something. To up my desperate ante for Nevada alien action, I might even smoke a Tahoe Alien or two.

This mix of Alien Kush and Tahoe OG Kush has become a fixture for dispensaries and growers at home thanks to a reputation for high yields, which are rare for OG strains. But Tahoe Alien is more than just a garden star, carrying pungent pine and wood aromas as well as a high THC percentage. In some cases, Tahoe Alien can even attain decent CBD levels, making some commercial growers wonder if the strain was sent from above.

Herbert Fuego

Baked goods are all the rage among breeders trying to come up with new names for their fruity, doughy strains, but there are only so many cookies, cakes and pies that society recognizes. Now cereals are the new frontier for sugar-obsessed tokers trying to reconnect with their childhoods. And for the most part, these strains are pretty darn tasty — besides Lucky Charms, which was an overrated cereal anyway.

Crunch Berry, Frankenberry, Fruit Loops and Fruity Pebbles OG have all been sweet on the nose, but Koko Puffs could’ve gone either way during our first meeting at a dispensary. I wasn’t sure if the “Puffs” part was the inspiration or if we had another Chocolope or Chocolate Mint OG — two delicious strains — on our hands. Either way, the thick layer of resin clinging to the inside of the display jar sold me.

Herbert Fuego

Am I the only one calling bullshit on all these 30 percent THC strains? I’ll smoke something from a dispensary claiming just that and feel like a sober turd, then puff something stinky marked at 15 percent THC and get burnt to a crisp. Stop juicing your testing results, ya bums. You know who you are.

Some strains can back up that shit talk, though, and make you regret being so cocky. Some strains will make you feel like a lost virgin again, leaving you gasping for air and a few more seconds of focus. Of course a strain named MAC would be one of those strains: You’ll be lured in and spit out like a spent piece of meat. And you’ll keep wanting to come back. No one can resist such powerful mackin’.

Herbert Fuego

Meringue, you fluffy bastard. Always around to dupe me. I love creamy desserts, sweet flavors and adding egg whites to just about anything. So why can’t I get down with you? (TMI answer: Being reminded of my limitations is depressing, but that’s better left for the leather couch.) Even when I had a younger stomach and tastebuds, meringue was too much. Too light and sugary on top of my pie, too hard and acidic in cookie form. Call me myopic, but I’m more of a cheesecake guy.

Still, I won’t stick my nose up at a cannabis strain named Meringue. After all, I love creamy desserts, sweet flavors, adding egg whites to just about anything…and weed.

Herbert Fuego

Being a cannabis writer doesn’t require a fine wardrobe. I wear lots of baseball tees, jeans and hoodies, and most people I encounter still think I’m overdressing for my job. That means my shlubby shoulders will probably never feel the touch of cashmere, but they’d get a lot more attention if they did.

The Kashmir region of India is known for producing some legendary indicas as well as the yarn made from goat wool. Given cashmere’s reputation for smoothness and comfort, any indica named for it had better comfort the body and mind. More important, the grower had better make sure that smoking it is smoother on the lungs than Marvin Gaye. Nobody wants to cough aggressively on Cashmere. Fortunately, everything will go smoothly if you buy it from the right place.

Herbert Fuego

Know that jealous, confused feeling you get when you find out that some mediocre celebrity is worth way more than you thought? I remember when I discovered that Judge Judy made almost $50 million a year, and when I heard that the New York Mets owe former outfielder and third baseman Bobby Bonilla $1.2 million annually from 2011 to 2035 (he retired in 2001 — the Mets front office had a lot going on back then). Such revelations aren’t appalling, but they do make me scratch my head.

I was itching my hollow noggin for a solid minute after learning how popular Citral Glue has become in Denver. A mix of Gorilla Glue (or Original Glue, GG #4 and whatever else dispensaries call it to avoid a lawsuit nowadays) and Citral Skunk by Ethos Genetics, this new Glue phenom can differ on the phenotype, but my favorite has the best of both parents, with a heavy layer of milky trichomes and skunky aroma that makes you feel like you just made a wrong turn in a cornfield.