Dear Stoner: I recently made the mistake of eating a gummy bear with THC. I have not had any marijuana in years, but I have an upcoming drug test in seven days. Should I be concerned?
Tilly

Dear Tilly: Yes, Tilly, be concerned. Do hash and Haribos just taste the same to you? And who’s the asshole who tricked you into eating one? Address those two issues and you’ll probably never run into this dilemma again. I’ve had tons of idiot friends call me out of the blue, frantically asking if they were “good” after smoking a joint while in the Army or days before a random drug test, and I basically tell them all the same thing: It depends. It depends on your diet, your metabolism, the amount of THC you ingested, how you ingested it, how long since you last ingested THC and, most important, what sort of drug test it is. Drug tests that use hair or blood samples instead of urine or saliva can detect THC more accurately.

Recreational marijuana has been sold legally in this state for over three years, but Colorado still hasn’t rolled out the red carpet for cannabis hospitality; you can thank restrictive consumption laws for that.

Fortunately, we’d already perfected the art of hastily packing and smoking bowls in the parking lot before a wedding — but serving guests pot hors d’oeuvre at a swanky Kentucky Derby party would still be pretty fucking awesome.

Dear Stoner: I want to send some marijuana for a friend in need who lives in a non-MMJ state. What do you recommend?
TJ

Dear TJ: For shipping, repackage the MMJ products (foil for candy bars, baggies for brownies, vials for tinctures, vitamin bottles for pills, etc.). Put stuff like clothes, chips or any random trinket on top of the pot to make it look like a care package. If you’re really paranoid, you can shave off or melt the green “THC” stamps most edibles have now, but you’re probably wasting your time: I ship with USPS without a return address and pay with cash, and usually use a fake name for the receiver. The Post Office doesn’t require an ID check from the sender or receiver, and you’ll still get a tracking number.

Dear Stoner: I’ve had retail dispensaries scan my ID and put my info in their computers or hold my ID until I speak to a budtender. One said that they had to confirm that my ID was up to date, but the majority of retail dispensaries give my ID a quick look and give it back. Seems shady.
Christie

Dear Christie: State law only requires visual inspection at dispensaries, the way a bouncer at a bar does it — but municipalities can come up with their own policies. In answer to a similar question in 2015, a spokeswoman for the City of Aurora said it forced dispensaries to scan IDs before entry because computers are “capable of quickly and reliably confirming the validity of an identification.” That requirement is uncommon, however, and doesn’t exist in Denver — though that doesn’t stop Denver pot shops from scanning IDs or holding them until you’re at the counter. The most common explanations we’ve heard from dispensaries is that they hold on to IDs to verify that they’re real and to ensure that no one goes over their daily ounce limit — but I’ve also heard of dispensaries creating customer profiles from your information. It’s a dispensary’s right to do either; it’s also your right to go somewhere else.

Most male champions in thoroughbred horse racing end up studding after they retire, meaning their owners collect six figures while they impregnate mares in one of the most highly esteemed prostitution rings in sports. American Pharaoh, the first horse to win the Triple Crown in 37 years, charges $200,000 a pop. But Tapit, a lesser-known horse with fewer trophies, commands $300,000. Why? Because Tapit’s children win more races.

Tapit and Girl Scout Cookies have a lot in common: A very popular strain on its own, Girl Scout Coookies is becoming just as beloved for its offspring as it is for itself — if not more. GSC’s kids include Gelato, Platinum GSC, Sherbet and Thin Mints, a couple of which are personal favorites. But Exotic Genetix out of Washington state might’ve created the strongest colt of all with its thunderous Cookies and Cream. Bred from a GSC phenotype and Starfighter, a rare Alien hybrid, Cookies and Cream can test above 32 percent THC — but it’s proven to have more than just brawn. Its supreme potency, looks, smell, flavor and high make it a true five-tool player, something Nolan Arenado would smoke if he were allowed to — but not before batting practice. This sugary treat isn’t going to help your coordination.

Dear Stoner: While driving along Speer Boulevard, I’ve seen ads for Weedmaps on the digital billboards outside the Colorado Convention Center and the Denver Performing Arts Complex. I know recreational marijuana is legal in Denver, but can the city itself accept ads for marijuana?
Bill Bored

Dear BB: We almost crashed our car when we spotted those Weedmaps messages, which were certainly a surprise considering the things you usually see advertised on those billboards: ballets, symphonies, touring Broadway shows. So we reached out to Brian Kitts, director of marketing and communications for Denver Arts &Venues. “Up to 20 percent of the digital LED signage at DPAC and the CCC always has been required for promotion of upcoming events, the Denver Theatre District and resident companies,” he says via e-mail. “The remaining time is available for sale as ad space, Visit Denver conventions, in-house promo for Red Rocks, etc.”

When you walk into a dispensary and ask a budtender to recommend a strain, you’re basically asking this: “What is your strongest?” Although the recommended strains will vary from shop to shop, many budtenders will pull out their version of the THC titan known as Ghost Train Haze.

Ghost Train Haze is available in a few phenotypes; as with Gorilla Glue, each of them is numbered. Ghost Train Haze #1 is by far the most popular in Denver, and many dispensaries have dropped the “#1” altogether. A true hometown success story, Ghost Train Haze #1 was bred by Denver-based Rare Dankness from Ghost OG and Nevil’s Wreck (another Rare Dankness strain) genetics. The sativa-dominant hybrid won awards at the High Times Cannabis Cup in 2012 and again in 2014, and is a regular on lists of the world’s most potent strains.

In this essay, retired Judge Mary Celeste (bio below) responds to the Trump administration’s comments on marijuana and opioids:

This past week saw two indications that the Trump administration is uneducated and clueless about drugs in this country. Its first irresponsible action is the potential halting of federal drug-control efforts. According to the New York Times, the White House is potentially eliminating the White House’s Office of National Drug Control Policy, which coordinates federal efforts to reduce drug use and drug trafficking. “The ONDCP’s website was ‘wiped clean’ when President Trump took office and it has not been replaced,” the paper reported.

Dear Stoner: Can I have a party in my business’s parking lot where people can smoke pot if the area is private?
Hopeful

Dear Hopeful: Yes, but there are some very important guidelines you must follow in order to keep a legal party from turning into an illegal drug ring:

Dear Stoner: I’m on probation for a DWAI from drinking beer. I’m worried that if I test positive for THC, I will lose my probation. I’m an MMJ patient and have been using it for stress-related issues instead of Xanax. I don’t get high and drive; I just need it sometimes at home. Do they really think it’s better to have me on the road zoned out on Xanax?
Gilly

Dear Gilly: They don’t want drivers zoned out on anything, whether it’s beer, cannabis or prescription drugs — and I think most of us agree with that. And, no, I don’t think law enforcement prefers that drivers be on Xanax behind the wheel, but it’s easier for probation officers to test for THC, which stays in your system longer, than for alcohol or prescription drugs. As a medical-marijuana patient who happens to be on probation for drinking and driving, you should know that.